I’m Dead Serious

Two years ago today I watched in utter disbelief as she took her last breath.  It was a moment we joked about many times throughout our 13 year relationship.  Not that giving consideration to the death of one another was funny, per se, but we remarked at the vanity of our ‘last wishes.’  Over a glass of wine one winter night I proudly declared I wanted her to be absolutely certain I was buried in a casket, hair curled, make-up applied perfectly, with a somewhat cocky grin on my face.  I had even given thought to being posed with my middle finger sticking straight up.  She bellowed with laughter and said ‘Ew, please cremate me because I’m not as vain as you!”  With a raised eyebrow I suggested that her final wishes were fine with me, but should I run out of cat litter, I may ‘need’ her.  Without having to explain my dark sarcasm she again laughed hysterically.

It wasn’t that type of conversation you recall in those last moments because you’ll be too busy begging God for one personal miracle.  As I lingered there bedside with her cold skin pressed against mine, a puddle of tears pooled on the floor next to her bed and the whir of the life-sustaining machines faded away.  A final check for a heartbeat concluded and just like that, she was gone.  Gone also was the irreplaceable relationship between us.  I felt a profound void, like a hole that would exist forever throughout time and space.  The experience of losing a best friend and watching them expire isn’t a fate I’d wish on my worst enemy, but I wouldn’t be a good friend to her if I didn’t find the silver lining on this dark cloud.

Knowing her, I would be swiftly chastised for each and every tear I shed from missing her.  That is why I write.  Because although a person is dead, I am more alive.  And it is in her death that the following reflections were brought to life.

Of all the emotions known to man, regret can be the most exhausting to experience.  The last moments of a loved one’s existence will replay in your mind like a skipping CD.  Be sure that how you live each and every day is the way you would want to live your last.   Better yet, did you treat everyone you love today in a way that you’d be satisfied if it were their last?  When you walked out the door to head to work, did you remind them how much you love them?  Did you go to bed angry under the assumption that you’d both wake up?  Fights, betrayal, and undesirable circumstances will inevitably arise in relationships.  You may be upset with someone, but communicating your love for them in the midst of those trials takes less work than overcoming regret in light of tragedy.  Trials are temporary, but regret can last forever.

The second most powerful emotion?  Grief.  That horrific collision between hopelessness and emptiness-a seemingly tricky attempt at reconciliation between love and loss.  It can be likened to the ticking of a clock that exists virtually unnoticed until its presence dominates the empty space in a room….and the ticking is all you hear.  Grief serves as a subtle reminder that if each of us pauses to listen, we may realize that our clocks are all but ticking into an eternity.  What do we do with our remaining time?  Do we allow our existence on earth to serve selfish purposes?  Do we behave as though our time here is unlimited and that mortality is just a term they talk about in church?  Would our loved ones miss us?  Would we raise our children differently if we knew our clocks would only tick for one more week?  There have been days that grief so easily consumed me like an ocean-at times barely allowing for a breath one minute, then teasing me with the ability to backfloat the next.  Grief will demand that you experience it despite the intense pain that accompanies it.  Let yourself cry, schedule times to reflect with entire spells dedicated solely to laughing, crying, or longing for your loved one.  It’s okay to not be okay.

Never forget that we were designed for human connection.  The presence of others in our lives echoes the winds that blow at various times throughout the year.  Some folks will enter into your life for a brief moment, like a sweeping gust of wind that you can’t help but notice.  They aren’t necessarily in our lives for the long-term, but they remind us that we’re alive, sometimes they knock us off our path to set us on the correct one, and other times they may blow our skirt in the air.  Other people subtly comfort us like a gentle, yet ever-present breeze on a sunny day.  They cool our skin, tickle our noses with a scent of nearby flowers and vanish briefly; only to return at the most needed times.  Both types of wind serve a purpose.  Embrace each one and allow them to fulfill their destiny in your life.

If you ever get the chance, hold the hand of someone who may not live into the next day.  You might find yourself hanging on each and every breath-the act of remaining present despite overwhelming emotion.  If they can speak about life, ask them as many questions about what mattered most to them.  Looking back on a life ending, you’re probably going to realize it truly was the small things they reflect upon.

Skip the notion of needing to be perfect or think everything should be in its place before you can welcome friendship and love into your life, or your home for that matter.  How lucky have I been to have had this type of friend in her?!  True friends’ presence in your life shouldn’t be contingent upon your perfection.  We are all flawed humans with hang-ups, hiccups, awkward idiosyncrasies and imperfections.  Expose them and see who stays around.  They are your true friends.  Cling to them and offer them the same acceptance.

Find that one person that gets you.  If you’re lucky it may be more than one person.  Learn to love them in the face of betrayal, grip their hand tightly, fight for them, stand with them to confront trials and walk closely with them at times when everyone else walks out.  Chase after them if they run away, offer your vulnerability time and time again, abandon ledgers of indebtedness and entitlements, take time to learn them and allow them to love you.  Stop at nothing to accept their love however they are willing to offer it.  Sacrifice your time, energy, and resources and in the end you’ll be glad they took that with them.